Second Opinion

[This is a post I started and was going to edit - but what the hell, I may as well post it now, even at this late date. Then I'll bring you all up to date in the next post.]

March 25th - Back from UCSF, second opinion and consultation. Very good news.

I will avoid all the details ( partly because I don't exactly understand them myself ) so as to not confuse anyone and/or bore you. Let me just say that after discussing my condition with the doctor at UCSF and looking at my MRIs and medical records it was advised that I not participate in the Clinical Trial. The reason for this is that my condition is such that regular radiation and the regular chemo should do for me all that is expected. In other words, things look very promising and according to the doctor I will, his exact words, "Be around for at least another two years" then who knows, I could be around for another twenty. Of course there is always the rare chance that I could be gone in a matter of months, but in all likelihood, I will be here for at least two years and probably many more.

Why? It seems that my surgeon did a very good job and got most if not all of the tumor out of the brain. Of course, this type of tumor sends out little microscopic tentacles with cancer seeds that could start to grow anywhere and at any time, but from the films taken of my brain there are no signs of this and everything looks just great. So, the experimental drug that was part of the clinical trial would create more risks than obvious benefits. For instance, the drug basically cuts down on the production of capillaries which feed the growth of a new tumor. However, in the process capillaries are also shut down in all parts of my body so what happens is that my same blood flow will occur but through fewer blood vessels meaning that most likely my blood pressure would increase. I would have to be vigilant in keeping an eye on it, but, should I begin to hemorrhage somewhere, well then, I would most likely die. There would be little they could do for me. The doctor said he could see no reason why, even though it is a rather low risk event, that I should expose myself to that risk. Also, because the tumor needs a blood source to grow, and it will create such a source, there is no evidence of any abnormal blood vessels in the pictures. So, why should I take a drug that would prevent the production of such a source, when one is not evident, yet could cause the production of a tumor to grow in some other fashion. This type of tumor is known for its ability to rapidly change course, to develop in a new direction and all because I actually took the drug. Finally, there is the fact that UCSF wouldn't, themselves, engage in such a blind placebo clinical trial. They have an ethical problem with that concept. Something we also had problems with and caused us a bit of concern.

I know I did a terrible job explaining the process, but the overall meeting was very encouraging. He was very optimistic about my being around for the next two years. I could always ask for the "Avastin" should the MRIs show that such blood vessels have developed; He agreed to review my MRIs on a regular basis (at a cost - but a minimal one) for such a development;

And, this is for you Tony, the doctor made it clear that there would be no reason why I wouldn't be able to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro in the future. That gave me a lot of hope. I like this guy.

It has been about a month since the accident. I have been trying to piece together all that occurred. All my visitors, when they came, what hospital I was in, pre-surgery, post-surgery, what I had said, what I had felt and the more I try, the more I realize just how fucked up I was.So, I know that no one is expecting anything of or from me, but nevertheless, I want to take this time to apologize to everyone for my conduct. I remember some of it, but it was as if I had watched it in a movie. Not exactly in a fog, but very real and I felt as if I were very much in control, knew what I was doing, understood everything and communicated quite well. I remember being in extreme pain. My back and shoulder, especially. I remember being told I had a tumor, a glioblastoma and that I had a year to live. What I don't remember is where everyone went when they were not in the movie. Was the cast just sitting around waiting for their next scene. Of course not, but that is how it seemed to me. I can't place the scenes in order and I can't remember what was said at any given moment. This part reminds me of the bygone days of old when I would perhaps drink a bit too much and the next day I'd try to remember who I had dissed and whether should I be embarrassed. And, embarrassed for what?

I've been told that I was very emotional. One minute I'd be crying, the next I'd be screaming in pain. I remember this, but only in the context of coming out of it. I remember short and fragmentary moments where I would feel as though I was just getting a grip on controlling my emotions, but as quick as I grasped hold, it slipped, as if I hadn't the ability to get a foothold in reality so that I might actually address myself and my situation and deal with it. The moment I thought I had that fingerhold, I would immediately let it slip and I'd fade into either another movie scene, sleep or find a place where I could let myself just cry. I don't know the reasons for all the emotional exhibition, nor am I trying to apologize for that bit of the show. I'm sure there are many reasons, some because of the drugs and some because of the physical effects caused by the tumor and the accident. Most important to me, however, is the confrontation with mortality. I may not have been in the best frame of mind when told of my fate, but I have and I will for a long time to come look at my life in a very different light. I have to review the meaning of it; I have to take the time, make the time, set aside the time, create the time just to make sure I have the time to enjoy the time and to contemplate the concept of mortality. I'm thankful already that I was given 'a bit of extra time" for such an opportunity. I drove by the accident scene (well, I rode by) and I saw that I could easily have died at that scene. I didn't (obviously) but more important is that I could have but didn't hurt anyone else, either.

Anyway, I started out with an apology and that's what I want to do here. I apologize for not getting back to everyone who has shown me so much love and care. I will. I promise, but it may be some time, yet. I want to apologize to those who pulled me from the wrecked vehicle. The two, one CHP Officer and one civilian I'm told, who decided to risk their lives for mine and pulled me from my vehicle even though power lines were everywhere and posed a real danger of electrocution. To you I owe a great deal of thanks, but also an apology for placing you in such danger. And to everyone in my movie, I apologize for not really being there, but I'm getting there. I'm sorry if I embarrassed anyone, I'm sure I should feel some myself, but I haven't the time. Let it go at that. I WILL SURVIVE THIS BASTARD THING CALLED CANCER. Lenny

Today is March 24, 2010, and I have been informed that someone out there wants to see me with my new haircut. So, here I am.

I was also asked by one of my neighbors if I had ever had my hair cut this short before, or even if I had it cut somewhat short at any time in the past. I gave it some thought and I remember getting a haircut when I got married. Other than at that time, I have always had long hair. But I like this, so I think I'll keep it this way for awhile.

Let me know what you all think.

Tomorrow we are off to UCSF for our second opinion and consultation. Then on Friday I meet with my surgeon for a post-op checkup, last minute questions and basically a run through on all the test results, MRIs, CT Scans, etc.

On April 5th, I begin participation in the clinical trial. It will involve radiation and chemotherapy along with a trail drug called "Avastin". Unfortunately, only about 50% of us in the clinical trial will actually receive "Avastin" while the other 50% will receive a placebo. Obviously none of us will know who is receiving what. There are all sorts of protocols set up for making sure that no one will be short changed or cheated. For instance, our progress will be monitored on a regular basis. If at anytime it appears that those receiving "Avastin" are also receiving significant benefits from the drug, then the entire trial will be stopped and "Avastin" will be administered to everyone. Sounds good, right? But what is a "significant benefit"? I asked the radiation expert how long this trial has been going on and he believed it was started in something like 2008. So, obviously they haven't determined in two years whether anyone has received a "significant benefit" yet. Either the drug hasn't shown signs of being successful or more likely, the methodology used in the trial hasn't allowed for a conclusion as to whether there has been a finding of a "significant benefit" for anyone as of yet. I can only hope that I am one of the 50% that receives the drug since in order for them to be testing it in a clinical trial there must at least be a belief that it has some benefits.

Anyway, the radiation and chemo will last about six weeks; Then the "Avastin" "Placebo" is administered once every two weeks for several months; I am considering also a mix of unconventional medicines designed to boost my immune system and to fight the recurrence of the cancer. Hey, its only my life we're talking about here, so unless it may cause me harm, I'm open to trying about anything.

And, I received all of my test results back from the lab and they were as the doctor said, "excellent". So, other than the tumor that was removed, the fact that it was a glioblastoma, I had seizures and was in a terrible accident, I'm actually in great physical condition. I WILL BEAT THIS and I will be around for quite some time. Lenny

Third Post:

It is Tuesday, the 23rd of March, and we're off to the South Sac Cancer Center for tests, questions, and the creation of a plastic mask (to keep my head in place during the radiation treatments and for them to design a pattern for the treatments). From there we'll go to the South Sac Kaiser for even more tests and then, if all is well within the universe, we'll head on home. Everyday is similar to this day yet unique in the type of tests conducted and the various required activities that will eventually lead up to my receipt of treatment. I WILL BEAT THIS.

Today is also the day that President Obama will sign into law the Health Care Reform Act. It is also the first day of the demise of the Republican Party. Although they have been working on their own destruction for quite some time, now, this will mark the first day of the official campaign to declare the party as one of absolute no relevance.

We witnessed over the weekend actions that should have embarrassed even the most partisan of politicians, yet there was no reaction from the Republicans other than the, "Well, boys will be boys" type of comment. This in reaction to yelling and calling out "nigger" and "faggot" and actually spitting on fellow human beings for their difference of opinion. And, where were the Republicans, if not actually applauding such conduct, or giving weak excuses, they were in hiding somewhere oblivious to all that was going on.

The party of "no" was, if nothing else, consistent. How could any group of people actually agree in advance to vote "no" in mass to anything placed before them by the Democrats? Why do we need them? Why don't we just have one who speaks for all of them? Since in essence, that is exactly what the republican party represents.

On February 23, 2010, I unfortunately found out that I had brain cancer. I also found out how fortunate I was to have insurance. I will have a fighting chance to save my life in a battle where all the odds are stacked against me, but at least I won't be concerned about the cost of this type of treatment or the cost of that type of medicine as opposed to some other treatment or medicine. I will be able to focus all my energy on beating this ugly little bastard known as cancer. AND I WILL BEAT IT, you can bet on it. But then I am one of the lucky ones who just happens to have insurance. Can anyone be so cruel as to actually argue, to actually cast a predetermined vote of "no" against allowing another human being the opportunity to fight for their life? This is the time to remember the names of all those Republicans who lied about death panels, who approved of calling others "nigger" and "faggot" and "baby killer" and could care less whether I lived or died. I am very proud of what the Democrats did this weekend. And I will remember it come November. And, oh yeah, I will be here, too.

Day2

The following four pictures were taken about three days after my surgery. Since then, I have had the staples removed. Tomorrow I will meet with the Clinical Trial Nurse to go over all the CYA clauses in the contract, on Tuesday I will meet with one of my oncologists/radiologists for the initial meeting and creation of a mask and hopefully by the end of that week I will begin my treatments.
In the meantime, I have met with a Doctor from Aptos who specializes in alternative medicines; I have met with a team from Dallas, Texas who provide alternative forms of treatment; I am having my records reviewed by a team of Doctors at UCSF for a consultation and second opinion; And I have ordered a three month supply of a cancer fighting drug from a lab out of Southern California that I will begin taking after my radiation treatment ends. I presently have about 10 to 12 Doctors that I am working with and whom I have all the respect for that is imaginable. These folks are just amazing. The amount of time they put into this is really mind boggling, and still they do it with such care and patience it would seem impossible - yet they manage -
So, the photos are not pretty, sorry about that, but they are real and so is cancer. I WILL BEAT IT THOUGH!

Lenny

The Beginning

I have decided to try my hand at blogging as a way to provide information about my accident, cancer and the treatment I will be receiving. But even more so, as a means of expressing my most sincere and heartfelt gratitude for all the love, all the attention, the visits and cards and flowers and telephone calls from so many people I can't begin to tell you how much it has meant to me and especially my family. There is no way that I will ever be able to express myself and my feelings - I never suspected, not in the least bit (and that is a fault I carry with me forever) that so many people cared so much for me and my family; So, throughout these blogs I'll from time to time comment on how so and so did such and such and how that affected not just me, but maybe Nate or Nick or Nora. I will try to bring everyone up to date on my medical treatment and what the future has in store for me. It will be tough. You can't see my tears. But I WILL BEAT THIS THING CALLED CANCER!